My Ex and I Can Barely Talk Without Arguing: How Can We Better Communicate for the Sake of Our Kids?

Divorce brings many challenges, and one of the most significant hurdles often comes in the form of communication. When emotions are still raw, past issues unresolved, or unresolved feelings lingering, it can be difficult—if not impossible—to have a constructive conversation with your ex. Unfortunately, if you share children, poor communication can affect not just you and your ex, but also your kids.

However, just because communication has been challenging doesn’t mean it has to stay that way. Improving communication is key to successful co-parenting, and with the right tools, it’s entirely possible to create a healthier, more respectful dialogue for the sake of your children. In this blog, we’ll explore practical strategies to improve communication with your ex, even when things feel tense or strained.

1. Put Your Children First

The most important thing to remember when communicating with your ex is that the focus should always be on your children. When you’re in the heat of a conversation that could easily devolve into an argument, try to pause and remind yourself of your shared responsibility as parents. Your children are looking to you for stability, security, and reassurance. They need to know that both parents can work together to make decisions in their best interest.

This focus on your kids doesn’t mean you have to ignore your feelings, but it does mean setting aside personal conflicts or grievances in order to create a stable environment for your children. It’s helpful to set aside the emotions tied to the past relationship and approach each conversation with a mindset of collaboration.

2. Set Clear Boundaries and Guidelines for Communication

If you and your ex find that every conversation ends in an argument, it’s important to establish clear boundaries and guidelines for how you’ll communicate moving forward. For example:

• Set specific times for communication: Avoid spontaneous or late-night confrontations, which tend to escalate. Instead, agree on regular times to talk about the kids or make decisions.

• Decide on preferred methods of communication: Texting, email, or a co-parenting app can provide a way to communicate without the emotional intensity of face-to-face or phone conversations. Written communication gives both parties time to process what’s being said and respond thoughtfully.

• Limit the conversation topics: Stay focused on the children’s needs and avoid bringing up past relationship issues unless absolutely necessary. This keeps conversations productive and reduces the likelihood of unnecessary arguments.

Setting these boundaries helps to reduce emotional triggers and makes it easier to keep things on track when you do need to talk.

3. Practice Active Listening

One of the most effective ways to improve communication is by practicing active listening. This means truly hearing and understanding your ex’s perspective, even if you don’t agree with it. Often, arguments arise because both parties feel like they aren’t being heard, and that frustration can lead to shouting or dismissive behaviour.

To practice active listening:

• Give your full attention: Put away distractions like your phone and focus entirely on the conversation.

• Acknowledge feelings: Even if you don’t agree, acknowledge that your ex’s feelings are valid. For example, say something like, “I understand that you’re feeling frustrated about this situation.”

• Reflect and paraphrase: Repeat back what you’ve heard to ensure you understand. “So, what I’m hearing is that you’re worried about [insert concern]. Is that right?”

Active listening can help reduce defensiveness and open up the lines of communication for a more respectful exchange of ideas.

4. Use "I" Statements, Not "You" Statements

One of the easiest ways to prevent arguments is by changing the way you phrase things. "You" statements, like "You never help with the kids," or "You always do this," tend to put the other person on the defensive. They can feel accusatory, even if that’s not your intent. Instead, focus on using "I" statements, which are less confrontational and more about your feelings and needs.

For example:

• Instead of: “You’re never on time to pick up the kids!”

• Try: “I feel concerned when there’s a delay in picking up the kids because it affects their schedule.”

By using "I" statements, you’re sharing your own perspective without blaming or attacking the other person. This makes it easier for your ex to hear your concerns without feeling personally attacked, which can prevent a potential argument.

5. Take Breaks When Necessary

When emotions run high and you find that a conversation is quickly escalating into an argument, it’s okay to take a step back and suggest a break. Continuing to argue in a heated moment rarely leads to productive solutions. Instead, suggest taking a pause and revisiting the conversation later when both of you can approach it with a clearer head.

For example, if a conversation is spiralling out of control, you can say, "I think it’s best if we both take a few minutes to cool down. Let’s pick this back up in an hour when we’re both feeling calmer."

Taking breaks helps prevent saying things you might regret and gives both parties time to reflect on the issue from a less emotional standpoint.

6. Stay Calm and Avoid Yelling

One of the quickest ways to escalate a disagreement is by raising your voice or becoming overly emotional. If you’re both already feeling frustrated, yelling will only heighten the tension and make it harder to reach any resolution. If you feel yourself becoming upset or angry, try to remain calm and composed. Practice deep breathing, count to ten, or step away if needed.

When you remain calm and collected, your ex is more likely to mirror that behaviour, and the conversation will have a better chance of remaining respectful and focused on the issue at hand. Modelling calm behaviour also sets a positive example for your children, demonstrating how to handle disagreements in a healthy and productive way.

7. Work with a Mediator or Therapist

If you and your ex are struggling to communicate effectively and frequently argue, it might be helpful to work with a mediator or therapist. A neutral third party can help facilitate communication, address underlying issues, and guide you both toward more constructive ways of interacting.

Co-parenting therapy or mediation can also provide tools and strategies to manage conflict and work together in the best interests of your children. This can be especially valuable if there are deep-seated issues or unresolved emotions that continue to interfere with your communication.

8. Focus on the Big Picture and Be Willing to Compromise

Co-parenting is about finding common ground, even if it feels difficult. There will be times when you disagree with your ex on certain decisions, but it’s important to keep the bigger picture in mind: your children’s well-being. Sometimes, this means compromising or agreeing to disagree. The goal is not to "win" an argument, but to come together as parents to support your children.

Remember, you don’t have to agree on everything, but it’s essential to collaborate on decisions that impact your children. By focusing on what’s best for your kids and remaining open to compromise, you’ll set a healthier, more productive tone for your interactions moving forward.

Conclusion: Creating a Healthier Co-Parenting Dynamic

Communication is one of the most important aspects of successful co-parenting, and while it may take time and effort to improve, it is absolutely possible to create a more respectful and productive dialogue with your ex. By focusing on your children’s needs, setting boundaries, practicing active listening, and remaining calm, you can navigate even the toughest conversations without letting arguments interfere with your co-parenting relationship.

Remember, the more you work to improve communication now, the easier it will be to foster a positive co-parenting dynamic that benefits everyone—especially your children. The key is to stay patient, stay focused on the bigger picture, and remain committed to respectful, cooperative communication.